Familiarity In The Land of Islam

I was 10 years old when I first went for Umrah, the pilgriamge to Makkah. There are small memories I still have from that time. Dad holding my sister on his shoulder while going round the Kabah, my sister and I racing each other to fill cups of water for the elderly women and sleeping on mom's lap when tired.

Very few are blessed with the chance of performing Umrah with their parents after marriage, but Alhamdulillah Allah granted me that favor. 16 years later, here we are in the land of the birth of Islam, together with my own little family. It was everything I imagined it to be and even more. This time, it was Amina who was carried by dad and I and my sister were holding our mother's hand.

Makkah is a global village in the truest sense. You can find people from all over the world, standing next to each other, shoulder to shoulder, praying and supplicating. And in the little while I spent in the Haram (the mosque), I felt like I belonged to a close-knit community.  Children would come to the Haram after school, still in their uniforms, kissing their moms and hugging their teachers. Younger kids were chasing each other and babies were crawling under the watchful eyes of their moms. Teachers were holding classes under pillars, surrounded by their students. People would greet each other with the Salams (peace), both known and unknown. Local ladies would come with their children with boxes of dates and flasks filled with kahwa (Arabic coffee). Each child would take a tray filled with goodies and distribute them. The mother would fill glasses with coffee and pass them around. Every day I would find myself sitting next to someone from a different country. We would strike a conversation over dates and coffee and it was always interesting to hear their story. This was the first time I actually put my Arabic knowledge to full use and man was I glad I did since I got to meet many wonderful ladies. I met a woman from Algeria who actually baked biscuits and brought them all the way to Makkah. Everyday she would bring a box of those delicious Algerian cookies and pass them around. After the evening prayers, when the crowd decreased, there was a lot of space to walk and play. Amina would run around with gay abandon following kids twice her size. Everyone had a kind word to tell. They would pick her up, kiss her and give her things to play with. And if she would run too far, the cleaners or another pilgrim would pick her up and bring her back .

Islam lays emphasis on the importance of a community. I am sure growing up here would teach children many things of importance like empathy, volunteering and contributing to the society. It's been only two days since I returned and already feel like I've left a part of me in Makkah. It felt so much like home to me. There is some sort of a familiarity in everyone's eyes in the House of Allah- where the love for Him brings people together from all over the world to gather in one place seeking His pleasure.

Love For Books, Stories And All Those Wonderful Things

Oh! The joy of having your child run to you with her favorite book, asking you to read to her! Priceless!
But it wasn't always like this, even 2 months back. It took a lot of work on myself  to get here.

I come from a family of readers. My favorite childhood memories involves books - coming home to a set of Famous Five series from mom, to being presented with my cousin's dog eared copy of Pride and Prejudice, my very first novel. The place I grew up in had this quaint little library which was our (my sister and my) favorite haunt. I remember saving my pocket money, only to spend it all at the Annual book fair and never felt bad about it! Alhamdulillah, we had supportive parents who nurtured our love for reading. Needless to say, this was something I was looking forward to to bring into my own little family.
But things changed completely once my daughter was born. Feeding and putting Amina to sleep took priority over everything else and the little time I did get for myself was spent catching up on sleep. It took a while to learn the ropes. But by 6 months things started getting better. And that's when I introduced her to books.
I bought those classic Ladybird books where the baby could touch and feel textures. I was pretty excited about the whole thing. But Amina wasn't. She would just turn her head away. It didn't trouble me much in the beginning, but as her disinterest continued, I did begin to worry. And all those articles and posts flooding my feed on how it is important to read to kids and blah..blah..did nothing ease me. I actually thought I was failing in my motherly duty!
But little did I know that the problem was very much close to home. You see, children observe and imitate us a lot. We are their first role models. Amina too noticed and imitated me. And that's when I realized that she never actually saw me reading a book. Yes, I did read to her, but never sat and read a book for myself. Since becoming a mother, it had been a very long time since I read a book. Any reading was done on the phone.  So why would she be interested in something her mom didn't do? It was time I changed that habit and here's what I did.
I selected a book from my ever-growing collection of unread books and resolved to read atleast a page daily. And for those of you who read, it is difficult to stop with just a page, right? I made sure to read where Amina could see me too. I also started reading to her at a set time everyday. Morning, after breakfast and in the evening. I would animate my voice, act, sing and point out things she knew. I didn't expect anything from her. I just did my thing. And slowly she started participating herself. She would point out things when I said the word, laugh at some pictures and even repeat some sounds after me! And man was I happy! I took it a step further and would allow her to select the book herself. That way she knew she had a choice and I too learnt what she likes. All this put together has helped in establishing her love for books.
Slowly, but surely, we have both started getting on the habit I never realized I had let go. I try adding to her collection of books whenever I can. She has her favorites now too! And it's always lovely to see her come sit next to me with her books. I can't wait to take her on all the adventures I went on when I was child, between the pages of my favorite stories! 

What The Prophet Said - When A Woman Seeks Help

The other day I was listening to a lecture about the women during the Prophet’s time when I came across these two gems:

One day Khansa Bint Khaddim (RA), an Ansari woman, came to the prophet (SAW) and said to him, "O Prophet, I was married off by my father without my consent and I am not happy with my marriage" On hearing this, the prophet annulled her marriage.

In another instance, the wife of Thabit bin Qays (RA) told the prophet, "Oh Messenger of Allah, I do not blame Thabit for defects in his religion or character, but I am afraid that if I do continue living with him I might behave in an un-Islamic manner if I remain with him" The prophet (SAW) then asked her if she was ready to return the garden (the dower) Thabit gave her when they got married. When she said yes, the prophet (SAW) told Thabit to take back the garden and divorce her.

What surprised me the most was that the prophet (SAW) never asked either of the ladies ‘to be patient’ or to ‘think of the children and bear with it’ or that ‘Allah will reward you if you continue in this marriage’. In today’s society, these are just few of the many advises given to a woman who is in a bad marriage, even if the reason she first sought advice for was an abusive husband.
One thing we have to understand is that a woman is notoriously selfless and patient . She has this tremendous reserve with which she controls her emotions and needs for the sake of her family. So, just imagine how much should she have gone through to have depleted that reserve, gathered courage and come out to seek help. And instead of giving constructive advice, she is told to be patient, bear with it, with the promise that Allah will reward her. No doubt Allah will reward her, inshallah. But to be patient is not to sit around, with hands tied up and take in the abuse day in and out till she is reduced to a shadow of her former self. This is no way in line with Islam.
It’s about time our community leaders and counselors do something proactive. Imams should talk to the men about preserving the rights of the women. They should drive home the message that the prophet said the best of men are the ones who are best to their wives. And when a woman does come asking for help, efforts should be made to bring the husband in, talk with him, see what the problem is and provide counseling sessions if the need arises.
At the same time, women should become aware of their rights and duties. There is so much they can learn from history, which is rich with stories of women who stood up against oppression. They should be raised to be proud of their identity as a Muslim and a woman and never feel that they are lacking in any way and hence deserve the treatment meted out to them.
The family is the foundation of the society and if that collapses, so does the society. It’s about time we take a leaf out of the prophet’s (SAW) life, where we trust the woman and try to actively find solutions instead of asking a section of the society to suppress her emotions and deal with it herself while we look the other way.

'KonMarie'ed At Last!

Imagine coming home from a long day. You are tired. You go to your room and lie down on the bed. You stretch yourself. You then get up, rest back on your palms and look around. Oh look! The jewelry box you got as a wedding gift! And there's your favorite perfume right next it. The book you are reading now is on the side table. The curtains you so carefully picked out brightens your room. Everywhere you look at makes you happy. 

This is the core of Marie Kondo's book 'The Life Changing Magic of Tidying up'. I first came across the book while scrolling down my Youtube feed. There seemed to be a lot of Youtubers who were trying out her book, and the results were quite impressive. I didn't buy it immediately though. I went through loads of reviews before deciding to invest on it. So, on going to India I placed an order for the book and started reading it as soon I got my hands on it.

The language is quite simple and easy to follow. I loved that the book was peppered with her personal experiences, starting with her journey in organizing as a child, to her experiences with her many clients. And man could I relate to many of them! And once I realized that, I was hooked. Here are a few things about KonMari (Kondo's method of organizing):

1) Does it spark joy? - this is the main principle of KonMarie, where you select what you keep at home by asking yourself this question. And I sort of liked that. I mean, my house seems to inevitably be cluttered with all these small items, trinkets. ads and stuff. And as much as looking at them gets me anxious I still somehow end up having them at home. But once I came across this 'spark joy' mantra, I have been very conscious about what I bring into the house.

2) Cleaning by category instead of cleaning by room. Kondo tells to start with clothes. Yours, your husband's, children's, everyone's. You just finish cleaning that in one go and then move on to the next category, books. This made sense to me, because many a times I would clean one room and discard an item, only to come across the same thing in another room. But if you tackle one category at a time you get rid of this problem.

3) Respecting our belongings. I didn't really get it till I cleaned my cupboard. I took each cloth in hand and looked at it. Really looked at it. By respecting each item I gave them the space they deserved, be it hanging it if the dress was flowy or folding it and placing it on the shelf if it was better that way. And once I finished it all, the cupboard actually looked good. I think this was because I took extra care to not only see if the clothes went into their correct space, where it looked like it was at home, but also kept only those that actually made me happy.

4) The power of storage boxes! Seriously, I had no idea they could be that useful. I used shoeboxes (which the author recommends) as storage spaces. By folding everything, from dresses to socks in separate storage boxes, the space in my cupboard increased drastically. Not ony that, but the entire space looked so compact and neat!

5) The last point that struck a chord with me was, to not be ruled over by emotions. Many times I come across things that holds some sentimental value. But Kondo says that those emotions can be in your heart, but not necessarily in your house occupying space. I sort of felt that was a permission given to me to get rid of many things.

As I tackled this project, I gathered about 5-6 bags. And as each bag kept filling up, I physically felt my shoulders lighten from the load that was no longer there.

Of course I did stray a bit. I felt my scarves would look good if they are hanged up (which Kondo doesn't recommend) and it does! So each time I open the door, it looks so wonderful to see all those colors and I love it! She did say something that sparks joy, right? So I guess it's cool :)



 

Living My Love Story

Do you know what I find really beautiful? My husband and daughter playing together. There is something so precious and sacred there that I can just keep looking at it.
As a youngster, my idea of a perfect man kept changing with every literary protagonist (yes, I was nerdish that way). From Mr Darcy, Harry Potter, to even Barney  (he is the protagonist from The Blue Castle,in case you are wondering).
But after three years of marriage what I thought was perfect has changed. It isn't the big production, but the small things that matter. Nowadays, something as simple as changing our daughter's diapers when I'm tired to cooking breakfast makes me happy. These may be insignificant to some. But to me these moments are precious.

You see, life is made up of these mundane everythings. And it would be so easy for me to take these moments for granted. If I was to expect romance right out of a movie, I'm sure I would've been disappointed real fast. But guess what? Life is not a movie with it's 50 odd romantic scenes popping up every few minutes within two hours. And thank God I realized that soon enough!
Now, I know that love can be expressed in so many ways. It can be found in the folded bedsheets to late night surprises of my favorite ice cream. It's so easy to lose sight of the important things what with everyone splashing their love story on Facebook. But as long as I keep sight of these moments in my life, I know that I am, in fact,living my own love story.

Amina's Lasts

Today I found this while cleaning out my daughter's cupboard. Her onesie. Her first one. I never realized how much she had grown till I saw this. You find yourself lost in the activity of daily life and before you know it, its already been a year! Yikes!
She is growing into a very active, not to mention mischievous, toddler. I celebrate and rejoice at every milestone she achieves. And, for every celebration I cant help but mourn her 'lasts'. The last time she turned over, the last time crawled, the last time she used her favorite bunny onesie. My baby is growing. And before long, there will be a last time she will ask me to carry her, the last time she will perfectly fit in my arms or the last time she'll need her blankie. The few times she does crawl is always a treat!
But..but I find comfort in the knowledge that there are no 'lasts' for certain things. A hug, a kiss, sharing a joke or just being there for her when she needs me.
So,  Amina's Lasts, you have helped her through the past year and continue to do so. You made me cherish every moment as they come and look forward to more. Thank you and Goodbye...

Importance of What Your Child Plays With

I am always on the lookout for activities to engage Amina with. One thing that I and my husband agreed on was to NOT get electronic toys that have blaring music or flashing lights. I’ve seen how these toys overstimulate a child and they’ve had to be calmed down at the end of it. And there isn’t much learning happening either.. From what I’ve observed there is little work for the child to do. Instead it’s the toy that does all the work. 

Play is so important for a child’s development. It is through play that a child’s social, cognitive and language skills (to name a few) grow.
The other day I came across a study, where three types of toys were used to find out how each affected the parent-child interaction for the purpose of early language development. They used three materials- electronic toys, traditional toys and books. The parents interacted with the children with the toys for a certain amount of time. 

Well, guess what the results were? To quote the study, "Play with electronic toys is associated with decreased quantity and quality of language input compared with play with books or traditional toys. To promote early language development, play with electronic toys should be discouraged"

And I do agree with this. I believe parents are children’s first teachers from whom they learn. And what we do with this knowledge and how we go about it goes a long way in shaping them. 

The greater the interaction, the more children learn.
I prefer buying toys that would foster Amina’s creativity and imagination. She is at a stage where she loves to explore. And these budding, inquisitive minds need much more than just being plopped down in front of the screen. We have tried to keep only a small amount of toys around her at a time so that she doesn’t get overwhelmed, and she plays and gives time to each one. As of now, she has the traditional stacking cups, blocks and rattles. Other than that, I try to select objects from the house for her to play with.
In the picture above (sorry for the blurry image), I have filled the basket with items of different materials-  a cleaning cloth made of foam, a sponge and a cotton napkin. It was fascinating seeing her touch, feel and put things in her mouth! Of course, I was nearby to stop her from harming herself. She turned them over, felt them and kept hitting them on the floor. She was at it for a good 10-15 minutes. Along the course I kept talking with her, telling her about each thing she picked up and asking her to feel it. I concentrated on the verbs- touch, feel, pick, put and the material- soft, rough, spongy. At the end of the day she enjoyed the activity (at least I hope she did!) and we both got to learn new things from each other :)